I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
