these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
