you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
