Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
