i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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