Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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