totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
