well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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