I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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