I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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