I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
