I am spending my child support on dildos
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
