Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
