I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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