How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
