I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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