Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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