you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ketchup is God's man juice
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
