I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
