A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
