the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
