I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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