He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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