if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
