i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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