We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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