Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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