I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
