Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
