I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
