I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize