Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Randomize
