Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
