She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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