I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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