so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize