At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
