apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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