She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize