He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
