you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
