just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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