i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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