when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
