So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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