Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
