oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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