$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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