This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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