yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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