my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
