Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
