Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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