Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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