my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
