I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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