He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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