im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
