is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Pants are for mortals
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
