I cannot find my penis.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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